I just got it. One of those things you KNOW, but it hasn't hit your roots. Now it's HIT.
I have to live it FULL-ON. There is no “wait until we get through the heart transplant”, or “wait until Lee is stronger”. We may do different, less taxing or less distant, activities -- a trip on the Muni to Balboa Park rather than a trip to Eagle Lake in the Sierras or a walk around the San Francisco Botanical Gardens and not to a perch overlooking depthless canyons in Arches National Park. But it still has to be FULL-ON -- with our full, undeferred, passionate presence. Our presence is MAGIC when we’re not holding back. There’s too little of precious life left to hold back now. It ALL -- the great, the painful, the humiliating, the terrifying, the euphoric, the irritating, the miraculous -- it ALL has to be lived FULL-ON.
We can’t put the next adventure on the calendar. We don't know when Lee's new heart might make its appearance. We have to stay close to home -- and close to home is here, in a city where we are braving a very chilling San Francisco winter on August 16th. It can’t have reached 70 degrees lately -- except right here in our neighborhood. But Goddamn! we fortuitously landed in the one neighborhood (possibly) that experiences a breath of summer on occasion (something like the breath of gin that went into Mom’s martinis when medications prohibited alcohol -- not very much!). Still, SCORE! - we are in this miraculous space with an amazing garden inhabited by dragonflies and hummingbirds and at least one very large squirrel. We are HERE. Not in Burlingame in an apartment complex, not in a highrise downtown -- here.
When did we stop counting the miracles? May have been just yesterday --- needs to be an everyday, many-times-a-day pursuit!
In the pursuit of miracles, in the active service of wonder -- this is the purpose of this quarter of my life. It’s almost a “get out of my way -- I’m LIVING HERE!!!” kind of a thing. Full-on.